Wednesday, September 14 2022

We all become first responders and all listen diligently and respond first and foremost to our wrists. We used to listen to our left hand to see if our watch was still working. Now it’s to make sure our heart is.

When I married her, I didn’t know how much data my wife had. When we got married, I had no idea I was going to marry a pedometer and an altimeter. My wife is a wireless modern woman. His connected watch is an essential part of his wardrobe. It is a vital part of the body. She feels naked, fat, sick, under-exercised and threatened with death without it. Fitbit has transformed his life. And mine.

The walks are not the same. The walks no longer work. These are “real time exercises”. Walking is no longer walking. This is “data collection”. We don’t go out for a walk. We go out to generate, collect and gather information.

“Let’s go outside and feel the sun on our faces,” I would suggest, shrugging into my balaclava.

And my wife, tightening her bracelet, answers “Yes. I’m up for a bit of outdoor journaling and in the mood to study personal temporal associations between exercise and mood. You can’t beat regular quanti-metric self-censorship for a few hours. »

Then I wait outside the back door for five minutes while she checks if she needs to go to the bathroom or not and checks if she has had enough roughage.

Then five more minutes while she dials her new photoplethysmography algorithm to identify any risk of atrial fibrillation.

Wellness trackers are now man’s best friend. We no longer take the dog. We walk my wife’s watch. We meet fellow walkers for a bit of invigorating body data.

We ignore their cute little dachshunds and make no admiring remarks about their Alsatian pedigree. Now, we fully admire their water-resistant and self-tracking apps.

“What a cute Lunar White Fitbit Inspire 2!”

“What an adorable little Charge Soft Gold Charge.”

Last weekend, during one of our application-oriented rides, we met and asked a man for the time. He looked at his watch and said “120 out of 70”.

He apologized and then said “5.1 miles. 34 levels.

Fitbit is the pinnacle app for digital trends. The latest device. Fitbit lives our lives for us. Applications dictate how we live. They are the modern I-Ching.

My married life has become one long live stream from digital devices.

“My glucose levels are out of whack,” my wife recently announced at a restaurant, after checking out her latest wellness management app.

“My blood sugar should normalize. And my carb counter app says I’ve already hit my carb limit. So I’m going to have to skip the dessert.

She even sets the alarm to wake her (and me) in the middle of the night so she can be reassured about the quality of her sleep and the quality of her REM.

His Versa 2 notifies him immediately if something untoward happens in his body. He gives her traffic reports about the traffic in her lower intestine.

He’s so sensitive and caring that when we go for a walk, I expect him to beep and tell me when to stop to pee.

Status symbols are constantly changing. You once had to have a Filofax if you needed to tell the world what a disorganized anal wally you were.

High-tech information tools that they are, the Fitbits tell everyone what an enthusiastic and possibly high-achieving hypochondriac you are. And how advanced your Mathusala complex is. And how many steps a day do you have to take to survive it?

Health is a new wealth. Self-knowledge is power. The empirical has taken precedence over the abstract. No one meditates anymore. A third eye and the naval gaze are passed. These days, even Buddha wears a Fitbit. For interior illumination.

Life is also getting louder. There are more interruptions. The background music of modern life used to be the clang of the microwave, the roar of the extractor fan in the oven hood, and the roar of the washing machine in the spin cycle. Now the peace is being shattered by health measures alerts ringing out from all sides.

You can’t seem to go anywhere without someone’s ova app phone going off, causing them to excitedly shout, “I dope! I dope! »

Lifelogging. Data fetishism. Self-knowledge through numbers. Auto-quantization. Self-analytical. Body Hacking. Self-monitoring or monitoring. Personal computing.

It doesn’t matter what you call it. It invades our lives.

Obsessed with her data feed, my wife wants to give me a Fitbit. Improve my personal and professional productivity. And record how I spend my “active zone” time. As if the lawnmower, wheelbarrow, garden knees and carafe levels weren’t clues.

Modern fitness technology will soon help us avoid unhealthy situations and hobbies. Just like the cars that tell us how far we are from other cars and let us know how far we are from a hedge or a wall, our smartwatches will soon give out warnings about how far we are from butter and the nearest frying pan.

They will issue emergency health warnings.

“Indian restaurant 100m on the left. Danger! Danger! Approach the fish and chips shop. Take the next left to avoid Macdonalds. Your aortic arteries are currently 23.6% clogged. »

The GPS will soon tell us if we’re overusing our bodies and let us know the quickest route to the nearest personal trainer and salad bar.

A Fitbit brings social approval. Our family wouldn’t be complete without another Fitbit. We can’t stop at one.

As my apparently app-absolutely anatomically appreciated wife has repeatedly said. “Spending time together brings more satisfaction and fulfillment if the digital data collected helps us make decisions about health care, disease prevention and health promotion to maintain or improve quality of life during of our common course of life. Appy days!!”

I would like to think that as a married couple we know our bodies better.

Fitbit, originally founded as Health Metrics Research in 2007 and now owned by Google, may be the most popular tracker, but the best and most luxurious has to be:

Garmin D2 Mach 1 Titanium smartwatch

With classic styling and a vivid AMOLED touchscreen, the D2 Mach 1 offers advanced tools for flight, plus health and fitness features that enhance your life as a pilot. Designed to show off your passion for aviation, the watch features a sapphire lens and titanium bezel, as well as a matching strap for a sturdy yet stylish finish.

TAG Heuer Connected stainless steel smartwatch

TAG Heuer Connected stainless steel smartwatch

With its futuristic design, this digital watch from TAG Heuer’s Connected collection is the ultimate companion.

The 42 mm stainless steel case with an intelligent interface allows you to analyze your speed, pace, heart rate and distance: the integrated sensors accompany you throughout your workouts. The versatile H-shaped steel bracelet with deployment clasp and safety push buttons provides adequate security while maintaining a professional appearance.

Montblanc Summit 3 smartwatch with black leather strap

Montblanc Summit 3 smartwatch with black leather strap

This smartwatch embodies the Maison’s heritage in terms of fine Swiss watchmaking and its experience in high-end materials. Although this watch can easily be mistaken for a classic analog watch at first glance, it is equipped with advanced smart technologies. With improved battery life, multiple health monitoring sensors, a superior fitness experience, enhanced performance, and lots of awesome apps, Summit 3 helps you in every aspect of your life.

Tissot T-Touch Connect Solar Red Rubber Strap Watch

Tissot T-Touch Connect Solar Red Rubber Strap Watch

The first T-Touch model was released in 1999. A touch interface under the sapphire crystal allows you to touch certain areas of the crystal to display its given function – time, navigation and weather information. This model now also offers “today’s innovative connectivity” – activity tracking and app updates and notifications from your smartphone (iOS and Android).

Garmin Fenix ​​7S Smartwatch with Sunscreen Silicone Strap

Garmin Fenix ​​7S Smartwatch with Sunscreen Silicone Strap

This multisport GPS watch, designed for smaller wrists, features a scratch-resistant Power Sapphire™ solar-charging lens that uses the sun’s energy to extend battery life and power advanced performance features. advanced workouts, sports apps, health and wellness monitoring sensors, and more. Waterproof up to 100m.


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